I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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