dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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