I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
