singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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