i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
