That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
