theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
