Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize