checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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