This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
