I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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