he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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