I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
