i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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