pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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