Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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