Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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