I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
