I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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