yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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