alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
