Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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