i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize