first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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