I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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