you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
