why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
zippers are such a cool invention
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
