sarcasm needs its own font
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
