Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
