After last night, I could never be a politician.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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