I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize