I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The air taste purple.
So. Much. Porn.
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