she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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