I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it hurts more in the daytime
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
