I wish they made helmets for livers.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We need to get me chipped asap
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
