mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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