you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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