I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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