I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
