he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
