Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
