she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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