i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
