im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
