she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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