Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
