i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize