you would pick up someone in the library
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
