I have demons in me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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