I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
