You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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