Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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