we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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