thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
