i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
