Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
