Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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