You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
