so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
