So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
