Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
