I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
